I confess

Well, I have sunk to the lowest level, so there's no longer anything to loose. Here I'll right now confess all of the things I never did confess. Well, let's do this. I have got a strong fear of Tinnitus. I have got some degree of Tinnitus, but I don't want a lot of pointless meetings and ear examinations about it. I know there's no cure. I have had it for quite some time and this is one of the reasons why I don't like silence very much. I usually keep fans on, plus they deter nightmares. Well, there's a lot of fear inside of me. I have got a lot of angst related to it and it's becoming way to heavy to bear. It hurts me and it doesn't seem to go away. The confusion in my head can't seem to clear. I am scared of the prospect of forever and eternity. I'm scared about the thing with heaven and hell, but I try to push it away. I don't think it would matter on whatever place I'll come to, but it still scares me. Hell doesn't sound to me as if it is as bad as they think, but if heaven is some kind of suspended air-thing where all that can be done is to just be there it'd be torture non the same. I try to imagine heaven as meadows where the sun always shines and where birds sing and this puts me a little at ease. I am scared that there may be other things, so I make myself believe the safest thing; reincarnation. It sounds better to me. But I think God is a great father and he wouldn't sort people into good or evil or believers or non-believers. I think that if we just live as we do and don't just give up that's our mission acomplished. That's at least what I believe, and it gives me a sence of peace. I'm never ever lost and I won't be ever either. I'm not going unwatched, because deep inside I'm just a child. What's difficult for me is that I have horrible nightmares; big floods, the volcanoes erupting everywhere, the world ending and so forth. I'm so scared that I don't even want to listen to the radio, because any songtext, yes anything, can scare me. I don't understand how to stop. Oh, and I went to norway on friday. It wasn't really to bad. I freaked out about the radio being on and then I got several attacks of claustrofobia. Well, that's horrible. I also had to be there in the car with Lisa, wich is my most anoying sister. She interferes with everything I say and I'm so tired of it. But I really loved to sleep in my dear grandma's basement. Grandpa is very sick, but he can still talk. It makes me a little down to see that he can't do very much now. He is really old and even though I appeared not to care when I talked with Lisa I really do care. I care to such a degree that it scares me. I don't want something to happen. And my grandma on mother's side, she's quite old too, but hanging on. She is the most wonderful, adorable, amazing, nice, understanding woman I've ever found. I want to talk to her, I want to write a song to her. I want to know her better, but how, when we're in different countries and my father won't let me go easily. Oh and I wish I weren't here. My mother and father should be happy together, without me, and I shouldn't be here. I wish I could erase myself, just like erasing a line on a page, smoothly and without a single sign of the cluttered, messy and unreadable text someone has written on a paper. Oh, well... I guess I can't, but my heart is aching so incredibly much that I just want to break down, but there's no one who can hold me up so I could lean, no one can stand here with me. I'm so glad I found this. I can confide in you, because I'm just Zandra. It's me in another form. I don't know if someone is reading this, but it's great to write it. I get it all said and without making it cause problems. I can't sleep. Here it's night. I started on this post in the evening and now it's past midnight. I am trying to sleep, it's just that I can't. It's not that I don't get tired; I'm always tired. It's just that I can't fall asleep once I'm in my bed. I will have to sleep today... or is it tomorrow? Nope, it's today. I just checked the time. i at least have got a long line to detangle. Honestly I have tried to knit several times but I just fail. I play some songs on my guitalele too.