Cleaning Day

Thursday, cleaning day. I'm sorry if this will become two posts. It would be okay if I wasn't so depressed, but no one can seem to understand that I can't do it. I can't master enough willpower to do anything at all. I've now installed speach on my new nokia 67000 slide. It's just a demo, but anyway. I'm going back into my shell again, but there's something positive with this day. I was on a trial in court and the LPT, if you know what that is, is gone. I could even say I won! I'm steadily working on translating Mortal ghost into swedish. I know I can't use those link codes right here, so it might just become an undefinable thing. Ah well, that's alright. I've got the new Evanescence album. I especially like the song Swimming Home and Oceans. "Cross the oceans in my mind. Find the strenght to say goodbye. Everything that we believed in was a lie." But I'm so incredibly lonely. Everyone is in love around me, but I'm forever alone and I had that rage at monday when I didn't even get permission to leave the building! Why the heck should I need permission? I'm twenty years old! I am still a child; my mother says it could be because of my autism. Also I've got a difficulty understanding and reading in stuff. First I understand it all wrong, I get angry and can't at all let go of my misunderstanding. There's the chaos before, when and after I'm angry. I use to say that my mind works this way:
statement, statement, conclution, like:
I need to drink, I need to pee. I'll go to the bathroom.
Yes, I do drink from the tap of the sink. It's not possible to get anything but stomach sickness. Let me tell you a secret. The leg problems I have aren't real. The stomach problems are real to a degree. I do have some issues with my legs and back. I don't like when people touch my back. It might just happen that I turn around and push away whoever is touching my back, scaring them a little. It's also due to my autism, my father says. But I'm hollow; it doesn't matter what I do; my depression is back at square one. Nothing seems to work and nothing matters any more. It might be a beautiful automn day, but for me it's always rain and dark, but I like darkness. The rain comforts me, but it also makes me worse. I'll be alone forever. I just want to vanish into a realm of rain and darkness. Nightmares haunts me and whenever I'm awake, and even in my dreams, deep or light, kicks in whenever it has a chance, just like before. I'm feeling that I'm a horrible and useless monster that only exists to do wrong. I've done all the seven death sins:
Pride: to much of what was me and how amazing I am)
CUPIDITY: Money that wasn't nk about the others.)
mine was used when I could have used my own. I saved things for just ME so as to have it for myself and didn't thi
Lust: (I have got lust for love just to have it and often I give love to myself just to satisfy my lust.)
Envy: (I've been jealous of how beautiful everyone is and how so many people around me have got a lover but not me.)
Glutteny: (I've eaten large quantities without being hungry and I have eaten untill I vomit. Sometimes I've even ate other people's food.)
Wrath: (My uncontrollable rages when things change or I feel depressed with the chaos. That has happened countless times. I've craved revenge and death of the guy Martin Johansson who raped me.)
Sloth: (I haven't acted when I should and have stayed neutral when I shouldn't. I have also been laying down watching others carry my burden.)
If I've understood the sins right I've done all seven. Now I've read and know what I should expect in hell. But before I go there I want to help as many as I can so that maybe there'll be people happy with me and maybe mercy from my justified punishments. But how? And how will I spend this evening? I've lost intrest of nearly everything I used to love. Now they're just empty scars. Writing this keeps me going, but what will I do when my brain runs out of words? Oh, and I have fallen in love with the song Fly To Your Heart again. I love tinker bell! She's so clever and has got a tendency to loose her mood when things go wrong. I watch it often and now there's a series on disney channel called disney's fairies. I love the swedish voice of Iridessa, the light fairy I think. But every fairy has got their own tasks. Honestly though I wonder: If I was a fairy, wouldn't I be a sound fairy? And I think that little girl Lizzie is so cute. It's so amazing how such a normal wordd turns into so much bigger things for those small fairies. Also I come to think about Trolltider, wich is a christmas calendar for 1979. I think Gloria (or Cleva) is so cool, Dorabella is so cute, Daisy is so careful and so on. Oh and I'm now going to read the books by... think it was Meadows. I'm hollow. At least there's my schnook Ninderlen to keep me happy and that's great. On saturday I'll eat pizza and go the cinema, wich feels good.

Translation

Moving

Now when I'm not so stressed anymore. I miss being hospitalized though, because there I had so many friends. A guy came to me when he heard that I would leave.
"Thanks for all the music," he said.
I made others feel better by playing and singing. And I'm happy if I can make somebody else happy. And there's not much to do at home that I couldn't do there. But I hate my stupid legs. The only ay I wouldn't have to walk would be if I could just remove them so I can't ever walk again. Oh, and I had odd but amazingly intrigueing dreams. It wa about a house with a yard that was all mud. But somehow we ate more than anywhere I've been to. like Morabackö mud too. And I dreamt that I was on one of my agent missions, broke strict international and interstellar federation rules and travelled in space. Oh, and I'm going to move to lyckogränd, wich is perfect. I I don't know anyone there, but I'm all ready to try. Oh, and there was an incredible cover at youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxolgUJLqP4sang a song about Kristoffer, the guy I'm in love with, and someone got so touched that they cried.
It's exelent even though he didn't get the text right. I decided to _ö.llearn the song too. But I

I'm still alive

Hi there. I just realized that I did something stupid on the last post. I wrote the text in the tags box. Well, that's too late to change now. I have been hospitalized to and from lately, though it didn't help very much. At least people there liked my song. I just wanted to say that I'm not dead. I could have gotten hurt though, because I was about to leap out the window.

I'm still here

Yay!

I've been feeling good lately. I've been going around in joy for five days. I'm in love. I've been in love for quite long though, but it's growing inside of me. And the feeling has erased all the angst from my heart now. I don't have a single little thread of angst left inside of me now. Though the hollowness inside of me still lurks it's kind of okay. I don't know if my feelings are met or not, but this doesn't mean that I can't dream. I'm listening to happier songs now all because I'm singing inside. And everything feels so very great now. IT's as though i'm me again. I'm in love with this guy... let's call him Jake... and he is kind of easy to talk to. He is a year younger than me I think, though I'm not sure. I have thought of trying to call, but what should I really say? "Hello, I'm Zandra walker. Maybe you remember me from school?" Maybe, but I don't think I would say that.

So what?

I start to feel like something is wrong. I feel a dreamy haze over everything, wich makes me afraid again. But it doesn't really matter now, since everything scares me. Everything around me sounds, feels and smells so very strange, as though it's not really what it should be. It also seem´s that life is only about watching tv, knitting, talking and drinking coffee. Where is all the adventure? Where is the excitement? Is there nothing more to life than this? I have sat down on my bed and watched tv for several weeks no´w. But I want to swim through strong water and climb high mountains.

I will let myself go

I may have said "I will never drink again", but latest news: I will drink again. I need to get away. I need to whipe away Martin Johansson's words from my scarred soul. If drinking is the only way that's what I will have to do. I hope there is whiskey or something else fiery that I can drink. I don't need any kind of special stuff; I just need something to take myself off. I break down and cry about seventeen times a day now and it makes no difference what I do. I even broke down because I got a carrot without the scale of it. I breathe deep, bite hard, count and keep it all inside, but it doesn't help. I chew on roasted rice, but it doesn't make much difference. I would leap out the window if that helped, but I knew I'd survive the fall. I would survive and I know that even though I deserve the pain deeply it wouldn't hurt at all. It didn't hurt when I cut my finger on a shaver and bled, it didn't hurt when I slammed the door over my hand on purpose. It's even more frustration when I can't even get the pain I des

It's difficult to explain

Well, I think I made the last post too short. where was I? yes I remember now. Is there nowhere for me? I can't be at hospital, I can't be ome, I can't be at bure or even in norway! and I am so empty inside and I cry. i recognize myself in Evanescence's song Missing. I know they won't miss me. they may for a day or to, but then it will be fine. I am alive, but I'm dead or in deep sleep inside. I'm crying inside and I try to keep it in. I'm just an empty shell and they have lost me long ago. It hurts so much inside. I just want to end that horrible pain, because the soul is missing from me and the absence of it, even though they don't even notice, leaves an emptyness that is a hundred times bigger than me and hurts. I cry so much. well, I'm glad I can confide in you.

Is there nowhere for me?

I have been hospitalized again. It didn't help much this time though. And I've started to realize that I don't belong here. I can't be at home, I can't be at hospital, I can't be in bureå or norway, so where can I be? I'm just hopeless. I've written a song that I'll leave afterwards, by the way.

Further confessions

Before I go on to tell you how my christmas was I'm going to confess further. Okay, here goes:
I don't know how to shower. I have got huge problems with putting soap on me, I don't know how to reach my back and I can't even understand how to wash it out of my armpit or sides. I don't know how to wash my hair. I love my hair; it's beautiful, but I can't understand how to wash it. I can't easily get the shampoo in properly and it's difficult to get it out. I can't use knife and fork and that's why I don't want to eat in the schools dining area. I wish I could get sight. I know I can't, so I pretend I don't care. I doubt life would be better if I could see though. I couldn't hear as I do now and my song would forever be different. I'm scared because of that stupid 2012-movie, but I try not to care. I don't know what to do. I love music, but I've got no confidence. I don't think I'm good at anything at all and I would like to be told that I'm good. I want to live in a protected world, but that's to late. I want to be a fine lady and I'm trying desperately to find an etiquette school. I'm sad, because I know I will never learn to play the harp, but then I ´realize that I have got Rose, my guitalélé, and that she's amazing. She sounds a lot like a harp to me. I feel lonely, I've got nothing to do and I don't think I bring anything in this world. I've had so much enough of my lies, but I'm stuck in that web of lies I've weaved. I'm going crazy. I'm planning to take suicide. I've got a method that is based on going on a trip and discretely disappearing from the place. I don't want them to find my body. I've written a goodbye letter, though I'm not finished with it. Though I'd want to see the candy candy movies again, just one more time. But they're gone. And I can't speak japanese. I need the swedish version, wich is very rare.