It's difficult to explain

Well, I think I made the last post too short. where was I? yes I remember now. Is there nowhere for me? I can't be at hospital, I can't be ome, I can't be at bure or even in norway! and I am so empty inside and I cry. i recognize myself in Evanescence's song Missing. I know they won't miss me. they may for a day or to, but then it will be fine. I am alive, but I'm dead or in deep sleep inside. I'm crying inside and I try to keep it in. I'm just an empty shell and they have lost me long ago. It hurts so much inside. I just want to end that horrible pain, because the soul is missing from me and the absence of it, even though they don't even notice, leaves an emptyness that is a hundred times bigger than me and hurts. I cry so much. well, I'm glad I can confide in you.

Is there nowhere for me?

I have been hospitalized again. It didn't help much this time though. And I've started to realize that I don't belong here. I can't be at home, I can't be at hospital, I can't be in bureå or norway, so where can I be? I'm just hopeless. I've written a song that I'll leave afterwards, by the way.

Further confessions

Before I go on to tell you how my christmas was I'm going to confess further. Okay, here goes:
I don't know how to shower. I have got huge problems with putting soap on me, I don't know how to reach my back and I can't even understand how to wash it out of my armpit or sides. I don't know how to wash my hair. I love my hair; it's beautiful, but I can't understand how to wash it. I can't easily get the shampoo in properly and it's difficult to get it out. I can't use knife and fork and that's why I don't want to eat in the schools dining area. I wish I could get sight. I know I can't, so I pretend I don't care. I doubt life would be better if I could see though. I couldn't hear as I do now and my song would forever be different. I'm scared because of that stupid 2012-movie, but I try not to care. I don't know what to do. I love music, but I've got no confidence. I don't think I'm good at anything at all and I would like to be told that I'm good. I want to live in a protected world, but that's to late. I want to be a fine lady and I'm trying desperately to find an etiquette school. I'm sad, because I know I will never learn to play the harp, but then I ´realize that I have got Rose, my guitalélé, and that she's amazing. She sounds a lot like a harp to me. I feel lonely, I've got nothing to do and I don't think I bring anything in this world. I've had so much enough of my lies, but I'm stuck in that web of lies I've weaved. I'm going crazy. I'm planning to take suicide. I've got a method that is based on going on a trip and discretely disappearing from the place. I don't want them to find my body. I've written a goodbye letter, though I'm not finished with it. Though I'd want to see the candy candy movies again, just one more time. But they're gone. And I can't speak japanese. I need the swedish version, wich is very rare.