Cleaning Day

Thursday, cleaning day. I'm sorry if this will become two posts. It would be okay if I wasn't so depressed, but no one can seem to understand that I can't do it. I can't master enough willpower to do anything at all. I've now installed speach on my new nokia 67000 slide. It's just a demo, but anyway. I'm going back into my shell again, but there's something positive with this day. I was on a trial in court and the LPT, if you know what that is, is gone. I could even say I won! I'm steadily working on translating Mortal ghost into swedish. I know I can't use those link codes right here, so it might just become an undefinable thing. Ah well, that's alright. I've got the new Evanescence album. I especially like the song Swimming Home and Oceans. "Cross the oceans in my mind. Find the strenght to say goodbye. Everything that we believed in was a lie." But I'm so incredibly lonely. Everyone is in love around me, but I'm forever alone and I had that rage at monday when I didn't even get permission to leave the building! Why the heck should I need permission? I'm twenty years old! I am still a child; my mother says it could be because of my autism. Also I've got a difficulty understanding and reading in stuff. First I understand it all wrong, I get angry and can't at all let go of my misunderstanding. There's the chaos before, when and after I'm angry. I use to say that my mind works this way:
statement, statement, conclution, like:
I need to drink, I need to pee. I'll go to the bathroom.
Yes, I do drink from the tap of the sink. It's not possible to get anything but stomach sickness. Let me tell you a secret. The leg problems I have aren't real. The stomach problems are real to a degree. I do have some issues with my legs and back. I don't like when people touch my back. It might just happen that I turn around and push away whoever is touching my back, scaring them a little. It's also due to my autism, my father says. But I'm hollow; it doesn't matter what I do; my depression is back at square one. Nothing seems to work and nothing matters any more. It might be a beautiful automn day, but for me it's always rain and dark, but I like darkness. The rain comforts me, but it also makes me worse. I'll be alone forever. I just want to vanish into a realm of rain and darkness. Nightmares haunts me and whenever I'm awake, and even in my dreams, deep or light, kicks in whenever it has a chance, just like before. I'm feeling that I'm a horrible and useless monster that only exists to do wrong. I've done all the seven death sins:
Pride: to much of what was me and how amazing I am)
CUPIDITY: Money that wasn't nk about the others.)
mine was used when I could have used my own. I saved things for just ME so as to have it for myself and didn't thi
Lust: (I have got lust for love just to have it and often I give love to myself just to satisfy my lust.)
Envy: (I've been jealous of how beautiful everyone is and how so many people around me have got a lover but not me.)
Glutteny: (I've eaten large quantities without being hungry and I have eaten untill I vomit. Sometimes I've even ate other people's food.)
Wrath: (My uncontrollable rages when things change or I feel depressed with the chaos. That has happened countless times. I've craved revenge and death of the guy Martin Johansson who raped me.)
Sloth: (I haven't acted when I should and have stayed neutral when I shouldn't. I have also been laying down watching others carry my burden.)
If I've understood the sins right I've done all seven. Now I've read and know what I should expect in hell. But before I go there I want to help as many as I can so that maybe there'll be people happy with me and maybe mercy from my justified punishments. But how? And how will I spend this evening? I've lost intrest of nearly everything I used to love. Now they're just empty scars. Writing this keeps me going, but what will I do when my brain runs out of words? Oh, and I have fallen in love with the song Fly To Your Heart again. I love tinker bell! She's so clever and has got a tendency to loose her mood when things go wrong. I watch it often and now there's a series on disney channel called disney's fairies. I love the swedish voice of Iridessa, the light fairy I think. But every fairy has got their own tasks. Honestly though I wonder: If I was a fairy, wouldn't I be a sound fairy? And I think that little girl Lizzie is so cute. It's so amazing how such a normal wordd turns into so much bigger things for those small fairies. Also I come to think about Trolltider, wich is a christmas calendar for 1979. I think Gloria (or Cleva) is so cool, Dorabella is so cute, Daisy is so careful and so on. Oh and I'm now going to read the books by... think it was Meadows. I'm hollow. At least there's my schnook Ninderlen to keep me happy and that's great. On saturday I'll eat pizza and go the cinema, wich feels good.

Translation