So what?

I start to feel like something is wrong. I feel a dreamy haze over everything, wich makes me afraid again. But it doesn't really matter now, since everything scares me. Everything around me sounds, feels and smells so very strange, as though it's not really what it should be. It also seem´s that life is only about watching tv, knitting, talking and drinking coffee. Where is all the adventure? Where is the excitement? Is there nothing more to life than this? I have sat down on my bed and watched tv for several weeks no´w. But I want to swim through strong water and climb high mountains.

I will let myself go

I may have said "I will never drink again", but latest news: I will drink again. I need to get away. I need to whipe away Martin Johansson's words from my scarred soul. If drinking is the only way that's what I will have to do. I hope there is whiskey or something else fiery that I can drink. I don't need any kind of special stuff; I just need something to take myself off. I break down and cry about seventeen times a day now and it makes no difference what I do. I even broke down because I got a carrot without the scale of it. I breathe deep, bite hard, count and keep it all inside, but it doesn't help. I chew on roasted rice, but it doesn't make much difference. I would leap out the window if that helped, but I knew I'd survive the fall. I would survive and I know that even though I deserve the pain deeply it wouldn't hurt at all. It didn't hurt when I cut my finger on a shaver and bled, it didn't hurt when I slammed the door over my hand on purpose. It's even more frustration when I can't even get the pain I des