How to make it stop?

Hi there! I'm not sure if anyone is reading this or not, but it's great to vent things a bit so that I won't explode. I have had a terrible saturday and I have wanted to just flee, flee, flee. I'm feeling captured and I'm completely filled with angst. I can't cope. It's driving me crazy and I don't know what to do. I need to be distracted, because if I relax I'll let my guard down, if I let my guard down things reach me so easily and if that happens I'll run and I won't think or care about what I do. Yesterday, wich was saturday, has been horrible. I've been scared... Well, when I woke I was almost happy, but my mood decreased quickly, and by the end of morning I was scared. I didn't want to be alone, but I couldn't say this. I couldn't tell anyone that I didn't want to be alone. I wish I could find a friend. I wish there was someone who could comfort me when I am sad, who could help me through the hard times, who I could count on, who understands me and who will be there. But I'm a horrible person. I'm supposed to be lonely. I'm meant to be alone for ever, ever and always. I know just why this is. I hurt anyone I meet, though I'm not wanting to. I lie to everyone around me and I lie about anything. It may be simple things, like for example saying I've got friends or that I am in a band, or it can be bigger things. At solvik, for example, I lied and said to my assistant that I was pregnant. I could never have been pregnant, because I have never ever have sex. I lied again when they tried to ask me who was the father and I let false information slip that I had been raped. I have never been raped or even inappropriately touched. I know this isn't very good and in some degree it isn't even legal. And I lied and said my father was abusing me, but even though he is handeling me inappropriately carelessly and way to harshly he has never actually abused me. But he doesn't really have the right to decide what I do or if I go home. It's not his thing if I become a streetchild. He and my sister Mary-Anne will have to stop telling me or forcing me. He doesn't have right to pack me in the car. I'm thinking on taking suicide, but it wouldn't make things better. Well, for others it would
get better since they loose their burden, but nothing else. I need relief, and I can't feel relief that way. And if I can, I don't want to risk things. I don't know what to do. I'm completely freaking out and I can't calm down. I'm not sure what to do. I'm trying and I have tried way to long now, but I can't switch of my angst. I'm all empty inside, my core is sleeping tight, I can't do a single thing right and I'm just broken. I'm entangled in this web of lies and I can't get out. I'm just nineteen years old, but it feels as though I'm about seventy. I feel exhausted all the way through and even though I have slept much I can't feel rested. I have tried chocolate, but it no longer works very good. I don't care about overweight or diabetes, I just want to be happy. But I don't deserve to be happy and I know it. How can I stop being such a fake?