No intentions to make sence at all, I just have to write this off.

Hi there! I have got a new haircut, very short and comfortable, and I have got a puppy who is named Vendela. Her actual name is Anja Aviria. I created the name myself. I don't think it's good that they give dogs names like some kind of possition like for example The Sickshoe Lawnsleeper. It's not very right. I chose a name that was authentic and wich was hers and didn't mean anything. Anja is a real name and Aviria is a name I have made up. But there are people with better taste of names wich means things, for example Link Of Adventure. That sounds very great. I had decided that if my puppy would be a boy I would call him Link. My younger sister has got a puppy too. Her name is Hanny, or honey, and my oldest sister has partially renamed her to raffraff. And she keeps letting Vendela out of my room all the time. Vendela can't open my bedroom door from the inside, but from the outside it's just to push gently on the door and it is open. I can't even count how many times I have called her name and have had to run after her. IT's actually fun in some way, wich is great. I use to first say it kindly like just caller her name, but then I start "Vendela! Come here! Come heeeere! Vendela! Now!" and then I chase her down the stairs. Oh, and also, since it was ages since I last wrote, I have become drunk. My sister's boyfriend had brought Whiskey and he didn't know much about my problem with alcahol intake. So he gave me a glass and I drank it and loved the firey way it had. Then I came with empty glass and said I was done. He asked me if I didn't want more, but I really did. I asked my father and he said that I should choose. I'm old enough to know how much I drink. But I am not. I drank four glasses full of whiskey. I just liked that ragy shock and the connection and zapping of my brain. And I started to come alive. I started talking very much and I was laughing. And I was warned that I would have to go to school with a headache the next day. Buut Í didn't care. And I found it hard to walk. It was difficult because I was swaying. My head started to feel a bit full. And I couldn't think and I still felt so alive. It was as though the emptyness inside of me had become less empty. I was told to go to bed because I was a bit crazy at that time. I somehow managed my medication even though thinking was very hard. But I needed help with getting up the stairs. My sister's boyfriend helped me up and I managed it all the way to my bedroom. But I didn't want to be still. Well, my two sisters took me outside to give me fresh air and my older sister (actually I have five sisters and two brothers) tried to make me puke. I had intencive and scary delutions and such, but they were more like flashbacks. I'm not certain if they were flashbacks, deliriums, delutions, ilutions, halusinations or just living vivid fantasies, but -I will never drink again! And I didn't stay long at school the next day. I had a terrible hangover with remnants of those flashbacks in my head. I went to school but then I went back home. I walked on cotton all the time and I was surrounded by tight candyfloss. And I was scared. But I made it through the day. My sisters kept teasing me about it along with my brother and I laughed too. And the question still lies in my mind. Who drinks on a thursday! But I'm never going to drink again. Ah well, that's the way it goes. I have bought two new instruments today. I have one old guitar with nylon strings, on wich two strings are missing, and one guitar with steel strings called metal classic. I have an electric guitar wich is perfect for rock but works for balads too. I have one synth on wich the D note isn't working on that particular place where I use to play, and two organs; one with one row standing upstairs and quite unused and one downstears with two keyboards. The one with two keyboards is very old and I love that thing. It's got such a pure sound and it looks brand new. There isn't a single scratch or dent on it. Now I have added Jew's harp to my instrumentation wich is great. It is an excelent instrument. I have always wanted to play ukulele, but I knew that the chords were different. I didn't want to have to learn it all, but then I found a clever little friend called a guitalele. It's sometimes called guitarlele, but that's harder to pronounce. Also I have made things in my mind for fun so that it becomes ukutar. But I know that's not a word and it will not sound as good as guitalele. In my opinion it sound like an ukulele, wich in turn sounds like a mixture of harp and a little bit of mandolin texture. I love that wonderful sound. This is not a toy, this is a brilliant instrument that makes it possible to get that ukulele-sound even though you don't know the chords. I am planning on writing a lot on this instrument. Also I have got a huge benefit of it sounding a bit like a harp, because harps are very expencive to buy and I have a puppy and myself pluss increasing chocolate need to care for. Also this doesn't have about thirty-five strings. It has got six strings and works with guitar chords. The only think you'll have to remember is that the guitalele should be tuned in G, not E. Just tune the thinnest or thickest string to G and continue from there just like you do in guitar. My technique starts on the thinnest string on gutalele and guitar. I usually tune it with the help of a synth or tuning pipe. Then I play the second string on the fifth fret and it should sound like the thinnest. Then I proceed to the third counting from the bottom and play it on the fourth fret. It once again should sound like the second strings and then just do the rest of the strings on the fifth fret. As a correction aftertouch, just make sure the first and sixth strings is the same tone. I have actually written an instrumental lullaby for myself on my dear best friend since I can't seem to sleep. I've really got to give my Guitalele a name. My old guitar's name is giaminns, the metal clasic, wich is the newer one, is Jenny, my electric guitar is Pinky and my synth is peniessa and the two-keyboard organ is anne. Now I need a brilliant name for my dear guitalele. ´Maybe something from the barbie movies? Oh and by the way I am now using sleeping medication. Hmm, it sounds as though the pills are sleeping. But anyway they are for helping me sleep. I just don't know why I can't sleep. I am tired, actually exhausted, but I just won't fall asleep. This makes me feel more angst as it increases when I'm stressed or tired. Unfortunately it's not that I am not tired that is the problem, it's that I just can't sleep. And my brain keeps haunting me. It gets easier if I can watch tv while I sleep and or watch barbie. I love all of them, but especially the fairytopia serie, thumbelina, maryposa, the twelve dancing princesses, the magic of pegasus, the diamond castle... I don't really care that I'm aighteen. I like it because even though they're dedicated to children it has got such brilliant content and it doesn't destroy me mentally. I just watch programs for children, because I want to avoid things with bad content, sectual situations, scary things and or so on. I am so easily scared and if something activates a "trigger" my fear is on high, doing that string section that sometimes plays in movies for when they see something scary. I am tired of always having this angst, but the music and such helps me. But I feel horrible. I feel like I'm a disgusting, false, amoral, paracitic, corruptive, destructive, stupid, selfish, idiotic, failing, broken girl. I feel I am a bad bad girl. I am still depressed, but now I'm so empty. I have realized something. A part of me, my actual soul or spirit, is sleeping inside of the outer one. My core is asleep and it doesn't seem to wake. I have written a song about it. I came to this conclution while listening to an irelevant song by Evanescence called Bring Me To Life. I listened to it and realized that I was hollow, in a bad dreamy daze, lonely and without conscience, hope, relief or joy. But maybe someone can wake me and when that time comes I'll probably be awoken from my deep sleep. There's no doubt about it. I am right now watching tv, wich is one of the few things there seems to be to do. I am tired of all boring routines and I just can't stand it. I keep doing the same things and it's just not how I'm supposed to live. And I'm still so unhappy. That's another problem I can't solve. Maybe I just can't feel happy and maybe I'll be this numb inside forever? This brings me to tears. I'm not sure how I can ever wake. And I think I need to get away for some time. I would find it quite good to leave everything behind for a longer period of time. I need to leave somehow, but I don't want to go to norway. The reason for this is just that I don't want to just sit and talk. It's a great place and especially for the candy there, but it seems that the only thing I'm allowed to do is to talk. I can't be left alone apparently. That is why going there is out of the question. I've been very tence lately and I don't have the mood to be pressured. It doesn't at all work. With my mother the same problem appears; nothing to do but to talk. If an adult's life is only about talking and such I wonder what's good with it. But I still consider myself a child. Okay, this has been a long post.