Uneventful journey

The trip to Norway it was awesome! At least often are my few breakdowns. I went fishing and caught one single fish. Don't laugh, it is not funny. My father accidentally dropped his phone in the sea. He managed to get it back to all drenched and put it in the oven. When need to get out again, it was blowing hot and the screen turns white when he turned it on. I got a lots of yarn and I actually had to sort some of it out. Oh yeah, by the way, when I came home, a couple of days ago, I actually felt like a wreck. I got a panic attack yesterday night and I started crying out loud. That happens sometimes. Michael Shayce will be much easier now, since I have my color indicator, that tells me what color the yard is. I have several colors in different types of yarn. That is awesome if you want to mix shades. Yep, I am still working on my blanket. Okay, I got a few vocal ranges in Norway, but it all got sorted out. My father's hotspot on the phone that he dropped in to see sucked, I am glad he didn't drop the other one. He was going to bend over the engine of the boat. When he did that the phone plop out of his pocket. I laughed for a very long time. I couldn't stop laughing! Well, at least I got the good hotspot afterwards. The one on his sonic Xperia. That's the name of his still remaining phone. And I can't believe he is going to Norway again! 🙀 now he has got himself I work there. What if he moves to Norway? Without me? With that all his family? I don't want that to happen. He is the last security of my life. If he is gone, there will be nothing left to hold me. I will rage and I will act out. I will give in to the insanity. Oh, have I told you about the insanity and said me? I don't know. Anyway, there's always chaos waiting to take over. And that is why I rage. I can't control that chaos which is what cost us the event. Honestly, the world would be better off without me spreading that kind of chaos. My living room is a mess just because I don't even care anymore. Instruments, bags and dolls lay all over the floor. I guess don't care. Every single surface is filled with me. I just don't care to bring it all upstairs. Why would I? There's no need. There's no need for a room because he can't contain the chaos inside of me. I have very very few boats left to keep me in sanity. Most of them are just plainly and simply unexplainable. My father is not a bond, but a safety. I security. You wouldn't understand, but I try to explain. My mother and I somehow have broken it. We are friends it to a job there, we okay Shannaleigh meet, but that is all. Well, she fetches me, spent some time with me and then puts me back home. And that yes happens once every fourth moms. Or maybe third, if I should be kind. Also, she barely Contacts me, so I don't contact her. Sometimes, I might ask for stupid advice about my stomach, though I don't really care. Oh, by the way, my stomach is haywire, really really movie haywire. I sold only have contact with my siblings. My brother doesn't even reply to face time. I barely know the guy. My younger brother, I mean. Nobody actually mines anything with me. But I don't want my father to go to Norway all the time. I don't like it. I really don't like it. Unfortunately, I can't do anything to make him stay. That is what hurts the most. He will never know how much he lets me down, but that is alright. Glad he doesn't read this blog. I don't even know if he has to URL. ON I don't know exactly what to do, but I hope I will find something out. When there is only one single person in the world that someone trusts, when they let you down, there is not much for that person to do except cry. Cry, scream and height. Hide from everyone else, hide from the fact that you're alone. Believe me, I am surrounded by people, but I know what loneliness is. There is only one person in the world that I can fully confide in. One single person in the whole world. I can't even confide things to myself. What would that do? I tell myself my secrets? That is all meaning less. There is no use. I just wish I could raise my mind. That way, I would not remember anything. People would still remember who I work and what I had done, but with blank pages in my mind. I understand if it's hard to see what I mean with this, but I i'm trying to explain. If I could ever race my mind, my memory would be gone, I would be gone but still here and people could shake me the way they want me to be without actually having any issues with me. But I can't erase my mind. I wish it was liked one of those little memory cards that you have a race all data and when you need to put new things on. But, we are not working that way. What I could actually do is to leave this world behind. Just stay out of the place where I like to be forever. There is no need for me to stay here. I mean, I have nobody to confining, I am writing but who reads it? Confide in, wow I can't talk. :-( I can't believe it. It was in Norway, he came home for two days and then we went to Norway together and have a nice trip and then he goes to Norway on Tuesday again. I hope he's car brakes before he goes. I mean, really rights, like the engine cutting out permanently. I don't care about the car. I don't want to be lost and alone for all my time. He just can't stay at home. He goes to Norway and then he comes home and then he goes back. I want to scream. 💢 I just don't know what to do. I want to rage! Well, that is it. I am leaving for the astral tomorrow and I will stay there forever. I don't care about the danger. I don't care about anything. Yes me and my insanity, a place where I can rage without consequence. Well, not raised against anything in particular, just be angry. I need to be really pissed really angry. I need a place for my tears. This is not my answer, just an escape. Oh my word, I want to puke all over the world. I want to puke over my father's car. I want to P in my father's car. In the MGM, so it doesn't start. Pork shoulder in the engine, so it won't start. That's a trick I learned long ago. If I put sugar in the car's engine, he would have to plug it into tiny little pieces to make it start. No no no, maybe not the ending, maybe it is in that gasoline thing. Will have to research on that.

On the road and on the go.

Right now, I am sitting in the car. I am on the way to Norway, which is great, but apparently some unexpected gladness have a code. It seems like we're not going there all the way for that. I don't like that, that was not a part of my planning. I at least have an extra yard now. That is great. I will put it in my bag as soon as I am done with this post. I bought the yarn today, before. Really awesome. Especially those colored ones. The ones that are colored. Really awesome. And they're all stable and make perfect leaves. I especially like pink and the green. If there aren't a lot of errors in my Dictation now, that would be because I am in the car. Yeah, you see there. Small brace a great sentences what he should. Forget that. Will write more when I arrive.

Tomorrow I am leaving

Tomorrow I am leaving for Norway. I guess have to do this stupid x-ray first. I know I need it, but I wish I didn't have to. Hopefully nobody will try to touch me on my little outcropping. I don't like when people touch me. That is just my personality. It doesn't matter who does it, as long as somebody dusted. I don't like it. Hopefully, I won't get angry. And alter the x-ray I will be leaving. It's going to be really nice. I probably log in the car on the way to more weight. I hate going by car. I get sick and dizzy and tired and tens and a lot of things. I will be packing my gear tomorrow. My crochet's, my iPhone stuff and some other things. I will try to wake up early tomorrow. Me and Lena is going to actually try to fix things in my bag of yarn tomorrow. That will be before the x-ray. There are a lot of entanglement there. Is that a word? Never mind, it doesn't matter. I just hope my stomach gets better before tomorrow. Well, hopefully the people around please cursing alone included in this. :-) they are playing Dice World apparently. And they're getting fuck oath. Buckles or Farkle. I preferred to say the word fuck cool when I get them. :-) you, my stomach is really wire. Hey liar and all to hell. Seriously, I shouldn't have smoked three cigarettes in a row. I am still used to my stomach getting haywire but it's still annoying. Oh, and I got some yarn from my father is today. It is really beautiful. It is meant for leaving, but with some effort I can crochet with it too. I guess I should be a bit more social. Will keep you up-to-date later today. But will keep talking on, for a while. By the way, I did not take the blood test. The fucking woman came the wrong time today, which was wrong. I said 12 o'clock, she came half to 12. Or 11:30 actually. When I say 12 o'clock, I mean 12 o'clock. Mom fucking 1130. Not 11:30! Plus, it is my legal right to deny taking blood test. Even as I have a guardian, I still have the right not to want to take a blood test. People earlier today try to say to me that if I don't take it, I will be hospitalized, but it is illegal to hospitalize somebody yes because of the fact that they don't want to take that stupid fucking blood test. Seriously, people on the Monday, when we were going to try to take the blood test, actually prevented me from going on my shopping today. You can believe I was fucking pissed right hell off. There is nothing that sad too that I should not be able to have my shopping day yes because I don't want to take the blood test. I told other people about that and they were pissed as well. Yeah, once again, my stomach is sick and I want to puke. Yesterday I drank three bottles of milk on five minutes and even now I am more sick than then. We are going to watch Idol this evening. I don't care about the judges or who is allowed to continue or not, I just care about the music. Hopefully they have taken out those that same terrible now. Oh, maybe I will go on a Christmas concert, not sure though. We have to organize back first. But you have to book the tickets quite long before the actual concession. Call him Sir, I mean. Fuck it. Never mind. Will be back later tonight.

Finding myself

In a couple of days, it will be time for me to move. I may have said before, I am going to Norway on Thursday. Well, hopefully I'll stay there until next Monday, but my homecoming day might be Sunday. I will keep you up-to-date with everything that happened on the trip, because my father has promised that I will be able to use network. I would go crazy if I didn't have any network. Last time I was there, I did not have any network at all. That's right fucking up! Also, on Thursday I will have to do x-ray. It's about a huge outgrowing from my ribs location. It grows outward and it leaks okay Shannaleigh? Quite often actually. Personally I don't know if I can help rid of it or hope that it is cancer. If it is cancer, I will not take treatment for it. I kill me. I want to die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die! This life is wasted in any case. I mean, what am I leaving for? Nothing at all actually. I am leaving for anything. I wake up in the morning I do my useless stuff and then I go to sleep. And then it goes over and over and over again The problem is that I can't leave myself behind. If I could, that would help a bit. Because, I wouldn't be here. Everything is just a waste of time. So what, I have made a beautiful blanket. So what, I have learned a new song? That is all pointless stuff. Oh wow, how amazing, I have watch. How are amazing. I have watched. None of that makes any difference. It doesn't change anything and it doesn't help anyone, not even myself. What will happen after the trip to Norway? The same fucking shit. That's all it is, yes fucking shit. Oh, by the way, I got a new charger for my iPhone for S now. I also got a new headset. This headset is better than my old one. They are better the cost of the fact that firstly, they are red. Second, the things I put in my ears are sharp and go all the way, which gets me a better sound experience. Not sharp actually, but going to. If you are used to having lots of headphones, I know you understand. The headphones are pointed. I think those are better than the other ones. So I was really happy. Well, the person that bought them for me on my money actually didn't think that there were such thing as extra point good headset. Sandra is satisfied. Oh crap, I forgot where I work on this post. I had to go to the bathroom. Nothing to be quiet about, we all go there several times per day. That is where are you suggest ways that doesn't have a purpose. Awesome, I will now eat bacon. Me love bacon. Do you like all types of Peoria meet. Bacon, flash, and Trico and other things. Not sure if I got that last word right. I am at carnivorous person. That just means that I eat. This word yes means that I eat meat! How many times will I have to write that? Sorry, got a bit pissed for moment. I had to write that sentence about 10 times. Oh well, everything is working now. I have Skype, but the thing is that I never talk to anybody on there. There's just too much drama and there's no one near me is supposed to cause that much drama yes because I don't want to date them. Yes, I am talking about dick douche bag. I won't give you his actual name, but let's just call him Dick bag. The douche bag! That's right, I said it, you know who you are if you ever read this you know it's you I am talking about. Dick douche bag! That was a good name for somebody who is hurt. First we had a long distance relationship, then he broke up with me and then he got together with me just to talk sex. Who is hurting me, I mean. Sorry. Hopefully I will find a toy in your way. Preferably a ferry or something different. Not those regular adults that resemble girls that are a bit too thin. Also, I can't hear dick douche bags voice ever again, because if I do, the link that I have removed will come back. I don't want to link with the fucker! No thanks, I would rather die. But that is my virtue anyway. I promise I won't be older than 25 ever! Oh, and by the way, my blanket is becoming so big that I can barely put it in my bag of yarn now. I think I will go back to that now, I would like to you later. I promise I will write before going to Norway. Later.

I am feeling sick.

So tired of this fucking life. So tired of taking crap medication that doesn't work. Now they even want my blood from it, which I do not accept. It's actually illegal in this country to force somebody to take a blood test, but they don't care. And as for the place where I have moved, I have started to realize that I hate this place. Seriously, everyone would be happy if this place would just burn down. And also, there are people here that drive me into fucking madness. I need to find my way out of here. I was happier before I came to this place. And that says a lot, since I wasn't happy there either. Okay, happy is not my thing. Zambra walker and happy doesn't mix, but at least I can be satisfied. Right now, I am not fucking satisfied! My father wants to bring me to Norway on Thursday, but I don't want to go. I got nothing there to do. My father and my brother does all of the good stuff while I just sit around, in my room or sit around in the boat. I never get to help in any fucking Deb think. Is this though they think that since I am blind I can't do anything. That is fucking discrimination. I have started to use the F***would very much right now. Because I am F***pissed. I'm so tired of everything. I actually slept all knew because I wanted to get away from the dead people being here. And then I leave it when she is gone, though when I go back downstairs, she is back. Period blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah! That's just how I feel. I want to puke. Went to get 6668. S I CK! SH I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I @I am! Really pissed. Anyway, I just want to die. Die die die die die die die. Death is my only way out. I don't care if Louise says I am a coward, I have care about the fact that I need to get the fuck out of this place and out of the situation, so I've got to die yet. Now, I just need to plan. Hell will set me free. Well, it has gone really far for me to say that. Hell will set me free means that I will at least be out of here. Then I don't care about Bunning forever. Bye-bye terrible world. Anything is better than being in a place where I do not belong. Plus, I am tired of other people deciding the furniture. What with those ugly plastic flowers? I am black, most colorful. I hate rainbow furniture. I can't see colors, but that doesn't stop me from hating them. Actually, I want to carry those plastic flowers upstairs and throw them down the stairs. That way the vase will break. And then we can't have it anymore. I promise I will let you know right when I take suicide. I will definitely let you know.

Back again, forever this time.

Hi hi hi, zone right is back in town. This is my first post ever using my iPhone. I bought it in May and I haven't been ready to blog with it yet. So, this is my first try. Also, well you know that's not my name, but it doesn't matter. In case of errors I have to explain to you that I am writing using my voice. For some reason, my blog app keeps doing a ding sound as soon as I write something. Very annoying. So, I decided to do it this way instead. I have started becoming worried about time. Time that gets wasted with no purpose, drains that are born but never fulfilled. It doesn't make sense why I should live on there's nothing actually worth living for. My only passion is my crochets. I have started working on the blankets, blankets and warm blankets. I have made one for the rocking chair at our summer house. I am actually going to Norway on Thursday this week that starts tomorrow. It's going to be great, but as usual I have traveling fever. I am feeling sick, and at the same time, I have this stupid PMS. Well, tomorrow it will be over. I will begin my red week. Well, that is not much better. I'm going to try to get my hands on some alcohol before I go to Norway, but probably my father will have to stand for that. Because of the fact that I know nothing about alcohol. Well, I know how to drink it, but I always drink too much. I need to get a new charger before Thursday. My name is all glitching. That is really annoying. I can't hold my phone because when I do and when I talk to, it does that ding ding ding ding sound because it gets plugged in and plugged out. It's glitchy. Oh well, I will fix that tomorrow. I mean hey, I can't go to Norway with a broken charger, can I? Beep beep beep beep! All the time. Oh yeah great. Another day soon over and I feel like I have wasted it. It feels like all I ever do is to waste time. I never accomplish anything. Okay, I need a purpose in life. Because if I don't have anything to live for, I am no one. How can I be Zandra, without all that is me? I am also scared, because of the fact that I may feel disappointment and hopelessness again when I come back home. Also, I have this issue that I can easily become sick in the car. Not fake like vomit, just plainly nauseous. I mean, I wake up to the same stuff, I go to sleep in the same bed. I don't want to live on one single place. I need some more excitement and I need to feel that I have accomplished something. I just get frightened because of all the time that I waste. I mean hey, at least I can produce something, but that doesn't mean anything. I just can't accomplish anything. I watch TV, I listen to music, but that's all. Spotify open it's going on my nerves. I just thought I should say that. Well, at least I have a lot of time. It is just that it is not enough. I do the same stupid stuff every day, every night I sleep safe and sound, but I don't like it. Where is the excitement! Also, I don't watch TV very much. Well, it is on in the background, just in case, but I never listen. Why should I? I don't even use my laptop much. Not even to play on altar. It is slow as hell. The laptop, I mean. I just think it is so bulky, now that I have my iPhone. It is more portable, I can play Oakland to see with the browser, though there should be an app for it. There should be at Quentine see game room app for iPhone. Anyway, that doesn't matter. I have found a game called Dice World. That rules. It is really awesome because of the fact that blind and sighted people can play under the same conditions. Tomorrow, I am going to town to be able to actually eat some food and buy some more yarn. Well, I am the spider. What would aspire to be without her Web? Not much at all. Plus, this spider loves her Web. I am really really tired of life. I don't know the relevancy of dad, but it doesn't matter. My father has promised that there will be network at the summer house. He will bring via less network. The problem is that he will have to share it, because of the fact that it can only be used in a laptop or desktop. Well, that is alright. I would prefer to have cellular access, but some things are the way they are. Well, I tried my father's hotspot from at his phone, but well, it was slow as hell. Also, I have been dating a guy twice and now I am giving up on you guys. Now it's only girls that is my rule. I have been a less been all along. Don't ask me why I dated a guy. That is not something I can answer. If I knew why, things would be much easier, but I guess that I was just lonely and needed somebody. Hopefully, his new girlfriend gets tired of him and breaks up. Because that guy appeared to be a stupid douche bag. Well, that's nice. I am tired, but probably I won't sleep yes get. There is too much and society inside of me right now. I don't have anything to call me down with. Well, I meant anxiety, not society. Never mind. I love Siri. There are some errors, but I have never I had to undo anything. Not in this entire post. The problem is that it doesn't exist in Swedish. But well, Swedish is adult language. Plus, what would people say if Sandra started liking in Swedish? If I started liking in Swedish, fewer people will understand. I am well aware of that not many read this. Still, I think it is good that anyone that tries to actually understands what I write. My talking is very depressed. I talked the way I feel, which is great. I don't like that happy happy happy happy happy happy happy stuff. It makes meS I I I I I I I I I I I I I I K S IRI IRI IRI IRI I CK! Now I have tried to do in fun synthesizer stuff with dictation. Yes what used the word no space. Zandra is tired of love stories. I am tired of the fact that they are always about the same stuff. I like twilight, because it is different. I hate teenage love stories. I didn't like them as a teenager, I don't like them now. Somethings will never change, my dear. The Shanes of personality and passion and dreams and hopefulness and wishes are very very by doing stuff. No matter what you do, somethings will never change. Those are binding Shanes. Oh, I just remembered. There has been a commercial that I have been looking for for several years. I found it a couple of days ago. It is called travel as I write. Yes search on YouTube for travel as I wait. I repeat, travel as I wait. I listen to it a lot, now that I have found it. I don't know why I like it, since I don't actually understand it. It's just nice listening to. The thing I don't like with Spotify is that you can't play one song. You can play one single artist or a playlist or an album, but not specifically one song. The commercials don't bother me. They're actually not in the way. I will have to get premium someday. Zandra Walker is going to bed now. Me sleepy. :-)

I am Sabrinamari Fagerheim

So the time has come. I'm aware that few people read this, but I know some does and so I'm going to uncover my secret. I'm Sabrinamari Fagerheim or Sabrina Mari Fagerheim, not Zandra. Zandra Walker is my dark side, my dark half and my best friend, but also my alias. I'll probably still write as Zandra, since no one knows who I am anyway, but at least I have revealed myself. I have got issues with slweep nw, though I know why. Nowadays I combine Nosinan with Supiclon and it still doesn't work! I've tried to smoke now too when I got hospitalized. I've found a new friend who I will call Teresa, since she wants to be anonymous. And she has helped me, even through an abscence. And there was that woman who I'll call Bethany. She was so kind to me, but she often had headache. I told her about the dream of a girl who washed my hair and cared for me.
"But you have already found her," she said.
"Have I? Who?" I asked.
"Me," she said. "I could do those things for you.
And now I'm no longer there. My laptop has crashed and everything on it is likely to be gone. I'm depressed because of it, but now I've promised that I wouldn't smoke, so I now can't. Now by back hurts and I have to get my phone back in order. Bye!
//sabrina/Zandra